TIme to Work

Well, my 9 days off of work have come to an end. I go back to work tonight... & I am READY! I miss my work & my friends. Tomorrow night I get to work with Cristina & Jessica! Yipee!

I didn't get to do as much house work as I needed to but I did get to spend a lot of quality time with Duck & Jessica. I almost felt normal cooking dinner & such. Duck abd I got to do a lot of riding which was soo nice & relaxing. We rode to Lake Camanche one day & Don Pedro the next. The last time we'd look at the website for Woodward Reservoir (where we normally go play during the summer) it said no swimming or dogs. We were checking out the other lakes because we want to go camping for a week this summer. Yesterday we rode by Woodward on the way home from Don Pedro. They've opened it back up for swimming & dogs so that's where we'll be this summer! We get a 50% discount there, too, because Duck is Disabled! Sooo GREAT!

Last night was the first night that I slept like a "normal" person & now I get to switch back to a night shift schedule. But I don't mind much. I like to sleep during the day & it's supposed to rain today. That always makes for good sleeping. But for now it's time to get Jesse up & off to school. Have a GREAT day!

Prodigal Women Unredeemed

Please help me to understand. I was a practicing alcoholic & meth addict for nearly a decade. In 6 days I will have been clean & sober for as long as I drank & used and yet there seems to be no redemption or acceptance from some people.

I am a 40 year old woman. A Neonatal Respiratory Therapist who has been a Respiratory Care Practitioner in good standings for 20 years. I am happily married to a man who is also in recovery. I have bought my own home, paid my taxes & never been on Welfare or financial aide of any sort. Never been arrested nor incarcerated. I am successfully raising a daughter who is 13 & although this is in a trying time in her life she is a FABULOUS person. I have a tremendous faith in God and have found salvation - & thus forgiveness - thru Jesus Christ. I am a good friend, good wife & good mother. I open my home & help the needy in recovery whenever possible, because someone did it for me. I am active in Alcoholics Anonymous, have a Sponsor, work the steps, & am the designated driver for my girlfriends who do drink. I have given up MANY of my old behaviors such as lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, fighting (as in domestic violence), etc. I attend church with my family, try to live a morally upright life, and don't do anything, wear anything or put anything in or on my body that I would do in front of God and yet...

At 40 years old I am made to feel unacceptable, unredeemed, & less than because of choices I make in my life NOW, clean & sober and right with my Lord. My piercings (one is nearly 20 years old) are frowned upon, my tattoos scorned to the point of my hiding them. I am married to a biker & it has been made known the biker lifestyle is definitely NOT the appropriate lifestyle for my daughter to be raised around - yet the majority of bikers are the kindest, most generous, protective people I know. I am critiqued for my dress & often given things that would be more "appropriate" for a woman of 40 to wear. Apparently I don't own the "right" kind of dog, either. I have been asked when I will stop thinking of myself as an alcoholic/addict, which anyone in recovery knows is a DEADLY mistake. Basically I was asked when I was going to deny part of my identity & life. And a vast majority of my identity & life I am asked to keep to myself (or "covered up" & hidden away).

As a result I find that I have isolated myself from the judgmental people in my life & associate with people who accept me for who & how I am, today. I don't want to be made to feel ashamed of my piercings when I like them very much. I don't want to cover up my BEAUTIFUL tattoos - & yes some of the are nearly naked women - because someone else doesn't like to see them. I tend to associate with people who either ride or have ridden in the past & share the same "biker" passion & mentality. I choose friends with very similar belief systems & married a man who loves the Lord.

My daughter has found salvation thru Jesus Christ & is an AMAZING Christian, even though she is only 13. I have a LOT to learn from her.

I'd just like to know when, after walking away from the drugs & alcohol & domestic violence (& all the other things that go along with it), I will feel redeemed & accepted by all who say they love me.

When does the redemption come? When is the life I live now, which is clean, sober, honest, hard working, loving & caring more important that what is on my body? When do I get to stop trying SO VERY HARD to be respectful of other's opinions of what's acceptable & be true to myself? When will I be accepted for me?

Lazy Day & Can't Make It Go Away...

I am having the LAZIEST day I have had in a long time. Hubby says it's okay... but still. All I did was take the dog to the vet, get his shots, license him & clip his mails. WOW!

I tried cleaning my closet. That lasted about 15 minutes. I'm trying to eliminate some clothes. I managed to get rid of 1 top! Woopee! Things are gonna start happening now.

I think the weather is getting to me. I've been off of work now for 5 days & haven't gotten to ride with Duck once. Tomorrow the forecast says 70's so we plan on riding. That's gonna help with the blahs!

My family has eaten better since I've been off of work... or maybe I should say they've eaten more. Which ever it is I'm not hearing ANY complaints. Made homemade funnel cakes with powdered sugar, fresh strawberries & homemade whip cream the other night, mmmmm.

Gonna go out to dinner with my sponsor tomorrow night. That should be nice. She's old enough to be my mom & a real kick in the pants. Jesse babysits her disabled daughter which works out good for both my sponsor & Jes. Janet, my sponsor, gets a break & Jesse makes some $$$.

I could never NOT work. It's too boring. I know I needed the break with my family but something's gotta give. Either I go back to work or give into the ink bug....

New Ink Art!

Well, stupid Facebook wouldn't let me upload to an album so I guess this is the alternative... at least I can do some explaining about each one's meaning.

"Return to Innocence August 1, 2000"

This is the day I got clean & sober (& Meth became a part of my past)

Written over the devil girl pin-up "Angel in heels". She threw down her pitchfork as a symbol of laying at the evil in her life down or throwing it away.

"Fall from Innocence October 31, 1990"

The day I started using Meth. Written over "Devil in Heels" . the angel took off her halo & hid it behind her back.

All the writing was done freehand by Wayne Allen at Red Dragon Tattoo in Modesto

Chinese cherry blossoms behind each ear. My "Godparents" Ken & Silvia Lowe taught me to love the Chinese culture & much of it's symbolism. In the Chinese culture the cherry blossom represent female dominance/strength & sexuality. I had one placed behind each ear one for dominancy the other for sexuality.

Wayne Allen at Red Dragon Tattoo also did this work. Looks like I have a couple new tattooists & a new shop to have my work done at. It's a shame that Jenny, my old tattooist, isn't in town & is so hard to get ahold or but I am VERY pleased with my new art works.

Have a Colorful day!!

My New Tattoo.... Excellent work Bear!!

Long Time No Blog....

It's been a while, hasn't it. Life keeps zipping past faster & faster. Where DOES the time go?

Working a lot... I worked 7 out of 8 days with a class tagged on the end. Had a rough case during that time where we lost a baby girl. She was born too, too early to live. I know God has that sweet baby in his care but the pain of the parents is what kills me. Thank God I was working with a GREAT crew that night, all with strong belief systems. I got to watch one of my dear friends baptize the baby before she died. What a blessing!

I made the final amends on my amends list... what a relief! I though for the last 20 years this person hated me only to find out it was just one more lie Jessica's DNA Dad had told me. What I learned thru this... no one "got me started using dope" except for me. I may have started using WITH someone, but no one forced anything up my nose. I wish my mother could find some peace in that. Life is way too short to hold onto anger, hatred & BLAME. I was a big girl when I started screwing up & have no one to blame but myself. May 1st I will have been clean & sober for 9 yrs 9 months & 1 day, the exact amount of time I drank & used. WHAT AN ANNIVERSARY!!!!

So in celebration I'm gonna be the designated driver for another girls night out!

Speaking of girls night out... earlier this week 4 of us decided to go out to happy hour/dinner. I was the designated driver. What I didn't know is that they had planned a little surprise party for me with gifts & everything! I turned 40 at the beginning of the year but I didn't really tell anyone & besides, I was sicker than a dog. Thanks Sara, Cristina & Narissa. You guys ROCK. Narissa even played with my balls & screwed me in the mouth LOL - you crazy girl!! Thanks for saving me!! You took total control of the situation. Thanks God you were there!

I got a new tattoo yesterday. It's BEAUTIFUL. It's a Henna looking design of flowers. I had it done on the top of my foot. I didn't think I could find anyone to do it but Bear from Red Dragon Tattoo kicked butt! I'll post a picture of it soon. I'm going back this week for more work (Duck gave me his$200 gift certificate - thanks Babe). I'm finishing the tribute to my recovery/sobriety on my back with some writing & I'm getting chinese cherry blossoms as a tribute to my "Godparents" and the love of the chinese culture they taught me. In chinese, the cherry blossom represents strength, dominance & sexuality of women. I'd say that's the perfect tattoo for me.

Jessica goes to the DNA Donor's house this weekend. His new wife left him almost 3 weeks ago, slapped him with a restraining order & had the utilities shut off! He drove another women to seek shelter at The Haven (a bettered women's shelter). Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy as far as I'm concerned. YOU DON"T BEAT UP WOMEN!!

Not much else has been going on. Our basement dweller is leaving for Florida in about 5 or 6 weeks to go to school. Duck & I will probably go for a ride this weekend. The John Swett Reunion is in a month. I've dropped 30 pounds since January 1st but I'd like to try to loose 10 more before the reunion. Better stop trying & just do it, huh?

I think I'll try to go back to bed for a bit. Damn night shift hours reek havoc on my sleeping patterns. I'm becoming a night owl. But this is the sleepy time at work so maybe I can actually fall asleep in bed for a few hours before I have to get up and live during daylight hours.... goodnight.... or maybe it's good morning! Have a GREAT weekend!