Not Happily Ever After...

After 9 years together my husband & I have ended our marriage. Somewhat of a mutual agreement but a very, very sad situation. How did we get so wrapped up in life that we lost the love. He was my best friend, my soulmate. And now I feel like I have a HUGE hole in my heart & my life.

I'm packing up our dream home. Jesse & I are moving to a smaller place. Do you know how hard it is to fit your life in a 1300 sq ft house with a 800 sq ft basement into a 950 sq ft house? It's hard. Do YOU know how hard it is to separate 9 years of intertwined lives. It is so damn hard there's days I don't think I will survive - like someone took all the breath & life out of me when he walked away. Do YOU know how hard it is to wake up & face this world without the love of your life by your side? DO YOU KNOW HOW DAMN BAD IT HURTS? Do you know how tired I am. Tired of packing, tired of crying, tired of trying to be strong, tired of trying to move on? Do you know that my daughter is holding it together for me. She's carrying me thru this rather than vice versa.

I removed our wedding flower and the motorcycle we bought together and my FAVORITE picture of us together from my blog page. Poof just like that gone. Deleted. No more. I wish the pain & the tears & the misery could be deleted just as easily.

But he LOVES Jesse so much... drove all the way to Fresno for the WBA Band & Color Guard Championship... to see her final performance of the season. And knowing that man & how much he loves her, he'll be at her competitions next year too, and the year after that, and after that, and after that.

At least it's not an ugly ending, just sad. There's no fighting. No yelling. No ugly words or accusations. It's just over & I am so very sad. At least when we see each other it's not awkward. At least we still like each other enough to be civil & communicate like reasonable adults. At least he's still in my life, even if it's not as my husband & my Happily Ever After.

A Good Lesson Learned Well...

My parents, as well as the Bible, taught me not to judge people. But sometimes 1st impressions are hard to get past. Tonight I thank God that the good lesson I was taught was learned well... and still practiced today.

One of my very best friends owns a Tattoo Shop & to say the least I spend a lot of time there, as a client & a friend. Now we all know that often times there are what may be referred to a "shady" characters hanging out at tatt shops. This evening, just after dusk, when it was starting to get pretty dark, I was walking up the walk to go into the shop. There was a man standing near the walk whom I took as one of the "less fortunate" that often sleep on the steps of the shop or stand outside & bum smokes. Despite that first (second & third) impression I spoke politely to the man & with respect any fellow human being deserves. I made my way safely into the shop and found my friend. I didn't mention the man nor the brief conversation because it was unremarkable. When we were leaving the shop, my friend said "I'd like you to meet my dad..." and he introduced me to the man whom I had spoken to when going into the shop...

Updates aren't always fun...

I went to the doctor on Wednesday. Good news and bad... my anemia is resolving nicely but I am extended off of work until the 3rd because they still don't know why I lost so much blood & where I lost it. The doctor found some masses in my stomach. He casually tells me "Of course it could be cancer" but probably not since I don't have a sudden weight loss. His other line of thinking is that they are ulcers that have become encapsulated so... full torso CT scan & a colonoscopy for me! Sounds like a blast!

The other problem is my fasting blood sugar was 155. Hopefully it was a lab error or just a fluke (I have been known to eat without realizing it so maybe I wasn't really fasting). I fasted for 12 hours yesterday and he had my labs redrawn. Please pray that I am not diabetic!

I just finished my first Zumba workout. Dear Lord in Heaven & Earth I thought I was gonna die... and I did the short version. Thank God cancer isn't taking off the weight & I have plateaued so it's time to get moving. I'd like to loose 25 more pounds (I've lost 40 since the 1st of the year) so now I have to get my but moving. Especially if I am diabetic.

Last Sunday we celebrated Duck's Sobriety Birthday... 20 years clean & sober. Sunday the 1st I will have 10 years clean & sober. He got me more ink for my birthday & anniversary. He paid for all my background work to be done on my sleeves. Today I have an appointment at 11 am to start filling in the flowers. This is the meat & potatoes. I've been waiting a long time for this. I'll post pictures soon.

I went out with the girls the other night. We had so much fun. We went to Chevy's for happyhour then we went BOWLING! I suck at bowling but they do too so we ended up having a blast! I'm ready to do it again girls!

Jesse just got home from spending a week at my parent's house. She's with Ben this weekend and next then school starts. She's so proud off her job. She bought all her school clothes and supplies (except what my mom got her). I'm so proud of her too. 13 years old and working a job and learning to support herself and saving $ in a savings account. Good for her!

Jesse's gone this weekend, Duck's taking some alone time on the bike & doing an overnighter and the bike. I shoot a wedding all day Saturday & Sunday I get the whole day to myself. My favorite book PILLARS OF THE EARTH was just released as a mini-series on Net Flix so I think I'll spend Sunday watching that.

Not much else to share... I'll post pix soon. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Casie, too! And Too Much H2O

I almost forgot... Casie was one of the girls from the unit that came up & took care of me while in the hospital. She made me a great doggy Get Well Card, too. As a matter of the fact several of the girls made me scrap book style Get well Cards. They are all too good to me!

There was just too much water in the basement and the carpeting was too wet. It was starting too reek & I'm allergic to molds so I just spent the better part of 2 hours cutting up and pulling out almost 800 sq ft of carpet. It's not very pretty under the carpet but I REALLY don't want anyone getting sick from deadly molds from water leaks.

Today we get to go shopping for all new riding gear, compliments of Farmers Insurance. It's part of what has to be replaced from the accident on May 1st. Helmets, leathers, shoes, everything will be replaced!! Shop, shop, shop... fun, fun, fun!

Shower time now...ttyl!

Catch Up & Clean Up (continued)

Well, big decisions about the surgery on Duck's arm. He made end up with no use of his hand if the surgery isn't successful. If it's a small area of the nerve that's being affected it MAY be reparable. If it's complete nerve damage the success rate is about 0% recovery with the possibility of loss of the use of his hand. Hmmm... numb fingers vs. worthless hand. I say NO WAY but it's not my decision.

So our washer has been on it's last leg, no, last toe for quite sometime and a friend of ours was selling a fairly new washer & dryer for &75.00... so we bought the. He brought them over last night, hooked em up & started to run it thru a cycle since it hadn't been used in a while & we went up stairs & all had dinner. I went into the basement a few hours later to find the whole basement (minus my closet, thank God) with 3 - 4 inches of standing water on the floor. This is the CLEAN UP part of the update. We had about a dozen people helping us take EVERYTHING out of the basement and 2 shop vacs sucking up GALLONS of water. The standing water is all gone but the carpeting is SOAKED and will take a bit to dry out. I've been saying I needed to clean out the basement but this is a bit ridiculous. Some things were ruined other just slightly damaged and still other are just fine. It's gonna take a while for everything to dry out and for me to sort thru it but I'm excited to see the basement when it's all put back together. A fresh start after living here for 5 years will be good.

AND the washer is fixed. A simple little tube came off & a friend of ours who was helping knew exactly what the problem was and just fixed it in about 10 minutes. So all's well that end's well....

That's it for now.

Catch Up & Clean Up Time!

It's been a long while since I've blogged, hasn't it so this would be the CATCH UP part of the blog.

We LOVE Ruby. What a great ride! Duck to me to SLO (San Luis Obispo). It was just a quick over-nighter but we put over 500 miles on the bike in less than 36 hours. On the way down I was blessed with being hit on the forehead by a rather large bug & although I'm sure the bug got the short end of the deal (he's dead), I was left with a "goose egg" above my left eyebrow. Never the less we forged on & made it to SLO in time to take a nap & catch an AA meeting. Then the highlight of the trip... we had dinner with Donny & JoJo. The food was great but the company was much, much better. A decade ago Jo saved my life... she saved me from myself & my life of self destruction & for that I am eternally great-full. She is beyond a shadow of a doubt the very best friend I have ever had. On the way outta town, I cried because I just didn't know when I'd get to see her again... We took Hwy 1 home up to Monterey. What a beautiful coast line we have here in Cali.

Remember how I said I didn't know when I'd get to see Jo again? Well guess what!! I got to see her again just a couple of weeks ago. She called & asked if we could meet them in Hollister at the Corbin Seat factory. Jes was gone & I was off of work so meet them we did. We hung out at Corbin for a bit then went & grabbed a bite to eat. Again the company was better than the food. Then we all rode back to Modesto together. It was the first time I got to ride with Jo & I just can't wait for the next time. And you know me, when we parted ways at Carpenter & Paradise I cried again.

So let's see, what else? Duck is going this AM for a consult for the surgery he needs on his right arm - a hernia repair. We're also waiting for surgery on his back. Yep. That accident May 1 resulted in a piece of vertebra being chipped off & it's pushing on a nerve. We're still waiting for that consult... wait wait & then wait a little longer. Man I wish we could just get it taken care of so we could tie up the loose string with the insurance from the accident.

I've had a bit of a problem with my health lately. About 3 months ago I fainted at the bank for no apparent reason. I didn't think too much of it... as a matter of the fact I forgot to even tell duck about it! Oooops! Then I started having trouble staying awake at work despite getting plenty of sleep. Then one day we were out at the reservoir. I'd been laying in the sun for a few hours when I asked Duck if he was ready for some lunch. When I was standing at the tail-gate making the sandwiches I started to get really dizzy & felt like I had at the bank so I just bent down & put my head between my knees. I felt better after a few seconds so I went back to making the sandwiches. Then I felt everything closing in & I told Duck that I didn't feel right & though I was going to pass out. Well that's exactly what I did. He tried to get me to the lounge I'd been laying on but I stumbled past it then he says I turned to look at him, my eyes rolled back in my head & I passed out cold for 15 seconds or so. There's only 1 thing more embarrassing than wearing a swim suit & that's passing out & landing flat on your ass in a swim suit! Then next day I was having some more ink work done & every time I stood up I felt dizzy & once I even though I was gonna faint again. That night I went to a meeting & was outside talking to a friend when I tried to faint AGAIN! He took me back inside & told my Life Coach that I needed to go to the hospital. So I did what every good health care professional would do... I went to my unit to try a self diagnose the problem with having my blood pressure taken & checking my sugar. The charge nurse sent me to the ER despite my BP & sugar being okay. Laura help get me through there quickly & next thing I know I was being ADMITTED!!! I NEVER get sick enough to go into the hospital but my Hemogloblin was 7 (should be 14) & my crit was in the 20's. So I was admitted received 2 blood transfusions & an "iron infusion". I was only in overnight but I've been off of work work nearly a month now. Feeling somewhat better but still not 100%. I don't try to faint anymore but I get tired & short of breath easy & I get headaches but "I will survive". My doctor did some follow up blood work (I don't have the results yet) & wants me to go for a colonoscopy... fun fun fun! Just shoot me now!

Some of my girlfriends from the unit took care of me while I was in the hospital. Thanks Laura, Sumi, Jessica, Casie, Laurie, Regina, Sarah & the others for taking care of me & the cards. You girls ROCK! And thanks Janet for keeping Jes. You are truly a blessing!

We took a little vacation to the reservoir for about 10 days. Roo was with us most of the time but had to come home a few days early. We played in the water in relaxed & took naps. It was great but again VERY tiring for me. But at least I didn't faint in my swim suit again! I got a nice tan going on though. I was asked yesterday if I was Hawaiian!

Opps. Outta time. Going to the doctor with my hubby so I'll finish up later.

2001 Road King..."Ruby" is Her Name

The Lord has blessed us again with a new bike & what a steal! We bought this 2001 Road King yesterday for $7400. We couldn't even argue the price with the guy~!

Jessica named her Ruby & she's a sweeet ride.